


Somewhere Out There

by notnowcommander



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: AU, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Disabled Character, F/M, Kaidan also has a bomb ass dog, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romance, Virmire AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-07
Updated: 2016-05-12
Packaged: 2018-05-31 19:09:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6483958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notnowcommander/pseuds/notnowcommander
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You were looking down on me, lost out in space. We laid underneath the stars, strung out and feeling brave."</p>
<p>Commander Shepard said goodbye to her lieutenant and lover when she was forced to leave him behind on Virmire. Though, the shock of a lifetime (or two) comes when she realizes Kaidan somehow miraculously survived, and there's a second chance to recover what they once had, though they're far from the people they used to be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So this was inspired by this fab art by [georgialeflayart](http://georgialeflayart.tumblr.com/) on Tumblr. Such a wonderful artist and a great piece of artwork! I hope you guys enjoy! I'm expecting this piece to be just a few chapters, unless you guys really love it, then I'd be so inclined to continue!

 

Shepard woke up to someone on knocking on her cabin door. Half asleep, still half drunk, she imagined Kaidan walking in with a bottle of wine and some bad old vid for them to watch together. She imagined his thin, toned frame sauntering into her cabin to distract her from reports, only to then get distracted from the distraction to kiss and hold each other, and talk about how everything would be different once they stopped Saren. She’d spend her nights taking in the scent of his skin and hair, the smell of Alliance issue soap and aftershave, and sometimes, if he’d been groundside with her, gun oil.

But tonight, it wasn’t Kaidan, but Ashley. The chief stepped inside her cabin, carrying a cup of tea. Her dark hair was down and it was the first time Shepard noticed it was longer than hers. However, she couldn’t focus long. Her attention always tugged back to redness and swelling around her eyes. 

“I brought you some tea, Skipper,” Ashley said. “Joker said you still weren’t asleep.”

Shepard sat up and rubbed her eyes. She imagined she didn’t look much better than Ash did. However, Ash had spent the better part of the evening getting a bullet pulled from her side, so Shepard supposed it was more of an excuse. 

“Thanks, Williams.”

Ashley set the cup on Shepard’s night stand. Shepard breathed in, and smelled chamomile, and the faintest bit of honey. She had to smile at least at that. She may have lost a part of her that she’d never get back, but having Ashley still around made her feel safe for just a moment.

“Sure thing, Shepard. Is there anything else you need?”

Shepard swallowed. “Why are you doing this for me? If anything, I feel like I should be thrown off this mission and court martialed.”

Ashley crossed her arms and shook her head. “Shepard, you know that there was nothing you could do. It was that or we let Saren win. Don’t blame yourself, blame Saren.”

“You’re throwing my own words back at me.”

“Is it working?”

“It might sink in five years from now.”

There were plenty of things from that day that Shepard wanted to erase from her memory forever. She wanted to forget the dread in the pit of her stomach, that hadn’t fully gone away, when she realized that one way or another, she was going to have to lose someone she loved. She knew that it was either going to be one of her closest friends, or the man she’d grown to love far more than she cared to admit. And when it came down to it, she let him die. She sent him with the Salarians, knowing the risk, but had hoped that he’d come back. She knew Kaidan. She knew how damn good of a soldier he was, and she knew he’d always come back to her. He’d promise her every night, and she’d promise the same.

She hadn’t expected to return to the ship without him today.

It was a harsh reality that soldiers lost people. She knew it herself, losing her parents, her squad. It happened every day. So naturally, the thoughts of losing Kaidan had plagued her regularly. She’d wake up in his arms, frantic and sweaty from her nightmares, only to turn over into his arms and be thankful he was still with her. And she always imagined that if she did lose him, she’d at least have a body to lay to rest. 

But now, she had nothing but a cold bed and an even colder heart.

“Shepard, I’m sorry you had to make that choice. I know if it were me, I could have never done it. But you were brave enough to.”

“Is it really brave, Ash? Sending one of my friends to die?” she asked, hesitating at what to call Kaidan. He wasn’t  _ just  _ her friend, but even though she was sure Ashley already knew, but it was harder saying it aloud when he wasn’t here to confirm it for her. Whatever they had, was a matter of “were” now.

“I don’t know. It was what you had to do. If you had another option, I know you would have taken it. I know you would have. I was with the bomb and the geth had me pinned. I would have died, they would have gotten the bomb, and  _ everyone  _ would have died.”

“Is it helping you to think that way?” Shepard asked.

Shepard had turned off her comm to Kaidan’s channel long before they left the base. She couldn’t bear to hear firsthand what happened to him. She knew she would never get over it if she heard him die. She knew that he was up on the AA tower, fighting off geth, and that they wouldn’t have time to get back to him. She knew he very well could have died before the bomb even went off, she hoped at least. There weren’t any good ways to die, but she had to imagine that being blown up by a nuke was still bad. She hoped however it had happened for him, it had been instant, and he didn’t suffer. Kaidan wasn’t a victim, not a sufferer. Even the worst times in his life weren’t about the pain. They were about learning from it.

“I don’t know. I just keep trying to think that there’s a good reason I’m here. I have to be worth Kaidan’s life now. He was my best friend, and to not have him here… it doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel like home anymore.

Shepard hoped Ashley wouldn’t hold it against her, but a single tear ran down her cheek. It was a dead giveaway, but around Ashley, she didn’t think it mattered. If anyone knew what her relationship with Kaidan was, it was Ash. 

“I can’t… I can’t file the mission report,” she said, trying not to break into complete hysterics. “I can’t label him as a casualty, because that makes it real. And god, I just can’t write that notice to his parents. He was all they had. No siblings, nothing. I can’t tell them I took that away.”

Shepard pulled her knees to her chest and rested her head in her arms. Ashley sat on the edge of the bed and rested a hand on Shepard’s shoulder.

“Skipper, it’s going to be okay. We’re going to fire off a bullet or five into Saren’s cybernetic-ass head and mount it on the wall of the CIC for Kaidan. It’s what he’d want. And then he’d probably tell us that it doesn’t really mesh with the decor of the rest of the ship.”

Shepard laughed and wiped her eyes. “God… we were on the middle of fucking Noveria in the coldest place in the galaxy, hunting down a goddamn Matriarch and fighting Rachni, and he was thinking about the fountains and decoration.”

Ashley smiled. “And next time we stop by that relay statue at the Presidium, we’ll have to give it a second look. He seemed to think that it was so stunning it made his teeth tingle.”

“Yeah, we will. Williams, if you don’t mind, I think I’d like it if you stayed here tonight. You can have the couch. It’s actually more comfortable than the bed.”

Ashley nodded. “Yeah, of course, Shepard.”

“I just don’t think either of us can bear to be alone tonight.”

There was a moment of silence. “Yeah, you’re right about that.”

Shepard wiped her eyes as Ashley went back to change into her pajamas and get ready for bed. She flipped open her omni-tool, and through the few pictures she did have. If this were a normal night, and not the worst night of her life, Kaidan would be here, right next to her, probably pretending he wasn’t already half asleep, dark curls springing wildly from his head, wearing as little clothes as possible if she had it her way.

But instead, it was empty. She opened a picture of Kaidan she’d taken during one of their nights together. He had her covers pulled over him, bundled up, and sleepy, but so stunningly beautiful. He had a rough coating of dark stubble on his cheeks and he held his hand partially in front of his face to keep her from taking his picture. She could almost hear his raspy, low voice chiding her for taking ridiculous, unflattering pictures of him while he’s vulnerable.

Shepard felt her eyes water, remembering his touch, his voice, those beautiful amber eyes. She remembered his lips and how soft they were against her skin, and the way it sounded when he gasped her name against her body. She’d never longed for someone so much. 

But this picture, this snapshot of a moment, with this man she loved  _ so  _ much was all that was left of him.

***

The Alliance knew that they weren’t going to find very much on Virmire. They suspected that perhaps they’d find burned up research on the genophage cure, remnants of Saren’s plans that they’d surely pass along to Shepard. Admiral Hackett had made sure he handled this part of the mission. He knew that if he allowed the Council to get their hands on it, the job wouldn’t be done quite right. 

The Salarians would focus on their infiltration team that went dark, and the next steps in eliminating the genophage cure progress. The Turians would probably help, and according to Hackett, the Asari would just pretend there was nothing they could do to help.

It was a mission led by the First Human Spectre, and when Shepard had gotten in contact with Anderson and Hackett, she’d given them a single order for the mission:

Recover  _ everything  _ they could.

Most of them had suspected that she was speaking of her fallen crew member. Anderson had told her nicely that the chances of recovering a body, or even dog tags to ship home to Vancouver was highly unlikely. He’d been polite, but curt when he said that she’d simply have to write her letter to his family without anything to show for it. 

Saren’s base laid in ruins by the time the recon ships arrived. What once stood as a mighty, unknown fortress, was a pile of rocks and rushing water. Of course, the shape of it had stayed intact, and known maps of the facility would be some help. They’d know where to look, where to find the information they needed. It had been a day and a half since the bomb went off and obliterated the base, and all soldiers were ordered to wear hazmat suits in case of radiation. 

“Alright, you know why we’re here,” Hackett said. “Search and recover anything that we can. We know Saren was working on a cure for the genophage here, but we need to know what else. His plan could not have been that limited.”

The hatch to the cruiser opened up and the soldiers spread across the rubble of the base. Hackett pulled up a map on his omni-tool and called a small squad over to speak with them. He pointed to the area marked on the map as the AA tower because the elevator shaft was still intact, and that section of the base hadn’t taken the same amount of damage. “Admiral, what do you say we do about bodies we find?”

The Admiral paused. “If they’re Salarians or Alliance, report them to me and we will take care of arrangements. If there’s no way of knowing or no way of identifying, then run a scan and we’ll figure out where to go from there.”

He sighed again and adjusted his dress blues. “It’s unlikely, but I’d like one of you to be running a scan to determine if there are any survivors. I know that Shepard would appreciate knowing that we did all we could here. 

“Yes, sir,” a soldier replied, opening her own omni-tool.

“That’s all. Get to that AA tower.” Hackett ordered.

The soldiers confirmed their orders and spread themselves to the upper levels of the base. Well, whatever they could consider the upper levels. The maps didn’t lie. The basic structure of the building was intact, with windows blown out and the glass doors of holding cells shattered on the ground. Rubble from the walls around the structure had crumbled from the AA tower to the lower levels. Once the soldiers arrived, it was clear they would have lots of work to do.

Fried terminals lined the room, and half vaporized, half decomposing bodies littered the ground. Asari, Krogan, Salarian. The soldiers examined each one, running scans against them to determine origin and alignment. 

The soldier scanning for signs of life - Special Agent Marks - hovered over each one for a second longer than she had to. Though most of these bodies belonged to those who had long left the Alliance, or any sense of reason, she believed they still deserved some chance. If they managed to survive a goddamn nuke, maybe they were tough enough to see the error of their ways.

She crossed to the perimeter, near the piles of rubble and continued to scan. The chances of a body ending up under a mass of rocks and debris was rather huge, considering the amount of it. Though, the chances of that same person surviving were exponentially lower. Her omni-tool beeped unforgiving pings, and nothing positive appeared on her scanner. Though, for a moment, before a pile of rubble, there was a blip.

She crouched closer as her fellow soldiers examined the already recovered corpses. The closer she stepped, the louder the blip grew. Swallowing, she looked closer at the pile, through the cracks and holes in the rocks and bits of drywall, trying to see what could be inside. 

And then she heard it:

Breathing.

“Hey, I got something over here! I hear someone breathing!”

She pulled up a comm link to Hackett, though the rest of her crew grovelled behind her.

“There’s no way that anyone survived this goddamn bomb, Marks. You’re hearing things.”

“Admiral,” she said, “I think we have a survivor.”

The Admiral’s voice chimed through. “Is that so?”

“I believe they’re under rubble, but the team and I are going to be as careful as we can to try and pull them from under it.”

“I’ll be there.”

The team surrounded the pile of rubble, and began to take pieces from the top to slowly reach whatever was below. Marks’ omni-tool continued to blip with life as the frequency was stronger. She held out hope, and prayed that someone - hopefully a good guy - had made it out. If not, she was sure the Alliance would love the chance to question a worker from the facility.

Then, she saw it. A set of dogtags glimmered against the sun of the lush planet. She made out the slightly charred Alliance sigil, and her eyes trailed to form the image of a body. Charred and blood soaked armor, and equally as damaged and horrific looking skin, but she could make out a face, one not nearly as damaged, but burns that seemed to sizzle the longer she looked at them.

“Holy  _ shit _ !” another soldier cried out. “Fuck, he’s alive.”

“And Alliance too,” a different soldier said. “Wouldn’t it suck? We take a bunch of losses, and then some indoctrinated bastard survives?”

Marks could hardly focus on their conversation and turned around just as Hackett approached the group. Several soldiers carefully raised the body from the rubble and onto flat ground. The nearest medic began to run scans. They registered a basically shattered and mangled left leg, more internal injuries than probably survivable, and very little, if any brain activity. It was a damn miracle he’d survived this long, but there was reason to believe he’d never make it to even the nearest hospital.

“One of ours?” Hackett asked, stepping closer.

Marks nodded. “Alliance.”

“Shepard lost a member of her crew here. I wonder…”

Hackett bent down beside the body, and flipped over the bent up and burnt dogtags. As he raised it, harsh burn marks in the shape of a chain remained on the victim’s skin. Marks had to look away as they began to ooze blood. 

_ Not much worse than what’s already happened, _ she thought, shaking herself from imagining the pain.  _ At least he can’t feel it. _

She looked over Hackett’s shoulder as he read the back of the tags.

“My god,” he muttered.

She looked down at the letters etched in metal. 

 

_ Name: Alenko, K _

_ Rank: Staff Lieutenant  _

_ L2 Sentinel _

_ Systems Alliance _


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eeee this got such a cool response from the get go, and I apologize for the delay in another chapter, but here you go! I hope you guys enjoy, and keep letting me know what you think!

**Three Years Later**

“Approaching the Citadel now, Commander,” Joker said over the comms. 

Shepard opened her eyes and sat up. Her skin was damp with sweat, and her heart rate was far too elevated. She’d taken the exam table next to Ash’s unconscious form and rested her head for just a moment, recovering from battle, but had clearly passed out. She hated pulling herself away from the Med Bay, even just for a moment.She couldn’t shake the feeling that if she left Ash alone, something would happen. She’d destabilize, slip into a coma, die on her. 

Clearly, she was doing a bang up job at taking care of her. Though, the sleep had been far from restful. Her mind had been a whirlwind of bad memories and nightmares she’d had for years, but this time, she could add Ashley to the list of horrors that plagued her dreams. She kept reliving the incident on Mars in vivid memory over and over again.

_She heard Ashley cry out for help, a muffled gasp, and saw her dangle helplessly at Dr. Eva’s grip. She remembered James behind her, cursing and waiting for Shepard’s order to open fire on the droid. There was no way they could without hitting Ash. She debated for a moment taking the risk, knowing she could survive a gunshot wound, and that she’d be fine. However, they hadn’t had the chance._

_She couldn’t stop seeing the synthetic slam Ashley’s helmet against the shuttle - twice - hard enough for her suit to rupture and for air to sweep in and make it impossible to breathe. She hoped Ash would get on her feet and just need a moment to recover, but her body fell limp and weak to the ground. It hardly took her a second to fire bullets incessantly until the goddamn bitch hit the ground._

_But then, she was no longer seeing Ashley. She was on Virmire, not herself, huddled behind cover, trying to dodge bullets from the never ending waves of geth. She looked around and saw Salarians dropping like flies, none of the geth going down. Her fingers buzzed with biotics, and threw geth out of the way. She overloaded their shields, fingers tapping away at her omni-tool._

_She slipped out of cover, and immediately, felt her suit rupture. Adrenaline kept her going, and she didn’t stop to notice she’d been hit, not until a harsh wave of pain overcame her and she dropped to her knees._

_“Hold them off!” her own voice echoed through her comm. “Joker, get me to the AA tower.”_

_“We don’t have time!” the pilot argued. “If we go back, we’re going to get fried! We can’t risk it, Shepard!”_

_She looked to the bomb site. Though she couldn’t see it, she knew it was about to blow. She pulled herself into cover one more time, clutching the bullet wounds in her side. She looked down at the greaves on her arm, and saw something she shouldn't have. A name embellished on the armor._

_ALENKO._

_The ground began to shake and she knew what was coming. And then she woke._

It wasn’t the first time she’d had that particular dream, and it wasn’t the first time she’d woken up in a panic. The part about Ashley usually came as her being liquified by Collectors. Same horror, just a different form. 

She hovered over the bed for another moment and sighed. Her eyes welled with tears.Despite what they’d been through, their spat on Horizon, quips on Mars, it killed her to see Ash so weak, so close to teetering on the edge of death. Sometimes it was hard for her to imagine someone like Ashley _could_ die. It had been the same way with Kaidan. He’d been so strong, so resilient. But perhaps it was all a fault on her end.

“I already lost Kaidan. Don’t let me lose you too.”

Mars had been a far from easy mission. She could take out Cerberus troops for days and not break a sweat, but knowing one of her closest friends didn’t trust her, and hell, thought she was one of them was the worst of it. She didn’t know how to explain to Ash that she woke up in tears more nights than she could even count, panicking because she didn’t feel like she was in the right body, or worrying that they were going to take control of her, or turn her off. She had no idea how to put all of it into words. Shepard had never been good at feelings.

Hell, the one man she had loved truly and deeply, she never even told. And she’d never have the chance now because she’d had him blown up.

But Ash had _tried_ to say something, and they were cut off. They’d been standing over a half-husk, half-human trooper, surveying it, when she cleared her throat.

“Skipper, I’ve got something to tell you. It’s… important, about K-.”

They didn’t have time to discuss it before bullets started flying left and right.

Now, Shepard thought, she might never know what Ash was trying to say.

“Good,” Shepard replied. “Joker, have us get a transport to the hospital.”

The Normandy docked at the Citadel, and several nurses boarded with a stretcher. James and Shepard hovered over Ashley as the nurses eased her body onto the stretcher and stabilized her spinal chord. Shepard resisted the urge to step in, to help out too, offer whatever she could. But she was just a soldier, and she was clearly better at breaking things. 

They followed until they reached the docking bay, and other doctors swarmed around the wounded soldier. Shepard felt a knot grow in her throat, knowing this was where she had to leave Ash.

James and Liara remained behind her. 

“We’re not going with?” James asked.

Shepard shook her head, and Liara spoke for her. “We have to see the council.”

Liara was right. And Shepard was right in her belief that the Council had zero interest in helping. They’d bluntly stated that their own planets had to come first, and didn’t seem to heed her warning that it wouldn’t be long before the Reapers took to Thessia and to Palaven and Sur’Kesh. Hell, the Reapers were on Palaven, and it wasn’t enough to convince them. After a frustrating meeting in Udina’s office, where she somehow ended up accepting a mission to extract a Turian primarch, James and Liara found her.

“Hey, Commander. Word is that Williams is out of surgery and can take visitors.”

Shepard nodded. “Yeah, I was on my way there.”

“Good. I think Lieutenant Vega and I will join,” Liara added.

The three of them loaded into a SkyCar to Huerta Memorial and were on their way. Shepard had bitten her nails down to nothing in her time incarcerated, but the past day had been more stressful than anything in a long time. From watching Earth demolished, and seeing her best friend’s skull nearly bashed in, she needed one hell of a bottle of whiskey and nap.

_Whiskey,_ she thought. 

Her mind drifted to her nights with Kaidan, the two of them splitting his requisitioned bottles of Canadian whiskey, telling each other stories and saying things they probably shouldn’t have said. She desperately wished that it wasn’t her drink of choice. She found herself thinking of him every time she drank, and it only led to her drinking more and trying to forget.

If she lost Ashley too, she’d just have more things to try and drink away.

The car pulled up outside the hospital and Shepard dragged herself forward through the waiting room. Liara offered a supportive arm to lean on, but Shepard pushed forward without her. It was her fault Ashley was hurt. She had to face it, and she had to know she was okay.

Shepard found Dr. Chakwas and Dr. Michel speaking near the entrance to the inpatient wing. She knew that the moment Chakwas heard Ashley had been injured, she’d be there tending to her and helping to oversee her recovery. Shepard let out a sigh of relief, knowing if she couldn’t be there for Ash, at least someone she trusted was.

“Commander,” Chakwas said. “I take it you’re here to see Lieutenant-Commander Williams.

Shepard nodded. “Yeah. How’s she doing?”

The doctors informed Shepard of Ashley’s condition, that they were quick to reduce swelling and her prognosis was good, considering the extreme damage. It would require her to stay in the hospital for some time, even after she woke up, which they weren’t sure when that would be.

“Just wait one moment, Shepard,” Chakwas said. “I’m going to check if its okay for you to go visit her. Just take a seat.”

Shepard took a seat in the waiting room and rested her head in in her hands. She took in a few deep breaths, and noted she’d probably need someone to knock her out for the night after all this.

“Good session today,” a doctor said. “Now, go home and feed your dog. He’s been trying to eat my all afternoon.”

Shepard heard an all too familiar laugh behind her. It was light, never too much, but still enough.

_Stop. He’s never going to come back,_ she reminded herself.

“Shepard,” Liara said. “Are you okay?”

Her eyes flushed with tears, and she dug her nails into her skin. She’d spent plenty of nights waking up from all too vivid dreams where Kaidan was real again, only to feel emptier than ever upon the realization he was gone. However, she hadn’t had an episode in public in a _long_ time.

“Alright, buddy, let’s get you some lunch.”

Shepard took in a deep breath and swallowed her tears. 

_Not here,_ she pleaded with herself, _just stay together until you get back to the ship._

She opened her eyes and stood up from her chair, which might have been a mistake.

“I’m… I’m going to go see Ashley.”

“Dr. Chakwas hasn’t come back yet,” Liara reminded her.

_Doesn’t matter,_ she thought, _I need to be somewhere private. Now._

Her entire body shook, but she tried her best to stay steady and not show any breaks in her composure. She swallowed her tears and sniffled away the breakdown that was just a little bit too overdue.

As she moved forward, somewhat blindly, desperate, she knew that this panic attack - no, hallucination - was far more vivid than any other she’d had before. This time she _saw_ Kaidan. Not when she closed her eyes or went to bed. She saw him, completely aware of what was in front of her. Her eyes watered and she willed herself to calm down, but it didn’t work. Her heart raced and her stomach flipped, but not in the way it always used to around him. She just felt dread. He needed to stop appearing, and as much as she loved him, she wanted her memory of him to just go away half the time because it hurt too much to think. But he was still there.

He was still lean, strong with defined muscles under his clothing, still donning an Alliance uniform, but different. His hair was still dark and curly, but it was looser now, not pushed back by hair gel or matted down by a helmet. But he didn’t _look_ like Kaidan. Not the way he used to.

The right side of his face was marred with scarring, angry jagged lines across his cheek and neck, and a few scattered marks around the rest of his face, one crossing down his eyebrow and across his right eye. She noted that one of his legs was cybernetic and he gripped the leash to an ever-obedient German Shepherd, also wearing an Alliance vest.

But most of all, she couldn’t draw her eyes away from his. They weren’t the same beautiful amber color they were three years ago. They were faintly brown, but mostly a glossed over, milky white, unseeing.

She’d had dreams about this. She’d dreamt about them finally recovering a body, something so mangled and damaged that they could hardly identify it, just something for his parents to lay to rest. She knew that it wasn’t the case. They’d never gotten anything but a letter from her to say he’d died bravely, protecting the galaxy.

“No, no, no,” she said under her breath, “Liara, we have to go.”

“Shepard, relax!” she replied. “Calm down!”

She felt James grab at her arm and hold her steady. Her eyes spilled with tears and her chest burned. She wanted to stop reliving this, she wanted to stop seeing him. 

“We have to go!” she sobbed. “Please. I can’t be here.”

But her legs wouldn’t move. It was the closest she’d ever felt to him in three years. Part of her needed to stay. It had been the realest memory so far, and she desperately wanted the chance to touch him one more time, to tell him how sorry she was for letting him die, that she loved him.

“Shepard, what’s going on?” James asked.

James - strangely enough - might have known more about her mental state than anyone else, even more than the Shadow Broker. He’d been the one to oversee most of her time in prison, brought her food, sat and talked to her when she felt lonely, and _listened_. It was the first time in a long time she’d felt like it was safe to really mourn Kaidan’s death, to let out her guilt and anger, and how she should have done better by him. Or how she should have just told him how she felt. Not that it would have saved him, though.

“I’m… I’m seeing things. Just get me out of here!”

She heard the hospital waiting room go silent, and realized she’d shouted louder than she anticipated. Just a few hours after being reinstated and they’d certainly keep her here and not let her leave until she passed a near impossible psych eval.

“Shepard,” Kaidan said, and it was undeniably him. 

She opened her eyes as he tried to make his way over to her, but Chakwas stopped him, putting a hand on his arm to keep him from provoking the situation. “Give her space.”

Her eyes spilled with tears. “No, no, this isn’t happening.”

Her chest filled with pain and her entire body felt weak. James clutched her arm and kept her on her feet, but it was hardly enough.

“What the hell is going on?” she heard Kaidan snap.

Her senses blurred together. She could hardly hear, or think. She heard Chakwas move closer and tilt her head up. All she could really see was Kaidan standing distantly behind her, hurt and anger spreading across his face.

“Shepard, I’m going to give you something to relax, okay?” the doctor asked.

Shepard didn’t have a choice, and felt a pinch in her arm. It took almost instantly, she didn’t hurt, and she didn’t feel. She fell weak into James’ arms and shut her eyes. The last thing she heard was all she needed to know. Kaidan’s voice. Angry, confused, hurt. Just like her.

“You mean _nobody_ bothered to tell her?”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys all so much for the comments and feedback! It makes my day to hear what you're thinking about this fic. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter :) Comments and reviews are always welcome.

When Shepard came to, her throat was dry and her eyes burned with tears. She’d slept like the dead, and in some ways it felt great. Her body was weak and exhausted, but it was sleep. It was more than she would have normally gotten, especially after an incident like that.

_You mean nobody bothered to tell her?_

The words echoed in her head and she knew they’d been real. The raw anger and disappointment in Kaidan’s voice made it real. Her eyes watered again, and her heart stung with betrayal. 

Nobody. 

Nobody had told her he was alive. Not Anderson, not Hackett, not Liara, not Ash. Maybe Ash had tried to. That could have been what she tried to say before. 

She’d gone all this time believing he was dead, and that it was her fault. She’d spent countless nights crying herself to sleep in an empty and cold bed, wishing he’d be there just one more time, wishing that the one person who could make it all go away could just be there for her, and take care of her.

She’d missed the gentle touch of his hands, the sweetest sounds of his voice as he said her name or told her how beautiful he thought she was. She missed hearing him go off on weird tangents about programs he found on his omni-tool or how she should really look into letting him tweak her shields for her. She missed kissing him in the stupidest of places. It had been all she wanted for so long.

She turned over and rubbed her eyes, and quickly knew she wasn’t alone. She opened them just slightly and saw Kaidan, waiting by her side in what looked like the world’s  most uncomfortable chair. The dog was there too, resting calmly at his feet as Kaidan scratched behind his ears. He looked up when he heard her move.

She couldn’t believe she was seeing him, and that somehow he’d _survived._ The Normandy had flown away from the site and she’d looked back at the giant mushroom cloud erupting from the base. She hoped Kaidan had died before then, that maybe the Geth had gotten him and he’d been shot. She just _hoped_ he didn’t have to live through the bomb. But he did. But instead of being vaporized, left with no body for his parents to mourn, he lived. She couldn’t imagine the level of pain that came with that, but some of it showed on his body.

There was a moment of silence, and she didn’t know what she was supposed to say. She knew no matter what she planned to say in her head, it wouldn’t come out that perfectly. She’d talked to herself so many times, just wishing he was there, imagining what he’d say to her, and now, words just didn’t come.

“Shepard,” he said.

It wasn’t wishful thinking. He was _here._ But he wasn’t the same man he was years ago. He couldn’t have been. Not after what had happened. He could no longer see, he was missing the bottom part of one of his legs, he needed a service dog to get him from point A to point B. She knew that he couldn’t have reasonably been the same. No one would be.

But it was hardly that part that bothered her. Kaidan knew going into every mission it could be his last. He’d known since he enlisted almost fifteen years ago, and had managed to survive this long. They’d talked about it extensively together. They knew the stakes, and they also knew there were chances that they might end up hurt or disabled, but still lucky enough to be alive. Both of them were prepared for it.

Shepard just never wanted to be the reason for his life to be this way.

Her eyes swelled with tears, and she felt her throat burn. She was going to let words pour out and hope they didn’t make things worse. She wondered how much he could see, because she did not want him to know how weak she was.

Tears dripped down her eyes and she swallowed. “I’m so sorry.”

She didn’t know how to stop all the emotions that were coming. Her heart hurt because she’d done such a terrible thing to someone she loved, but she’d never been more relieved. If she cried and pleaded for his affection, maybe this time she’d get it. There’d be no holding onto pillows and pretending it was him, for just enough comfort to get to sleep at night. There was no more blaming herself for his death. Though, she’d forever have to blame herself for changing just about everything else in his life.

Her chest ached and she couldn’t stop her tears. She hoped Kaidan would reach out and tell her to relax, but he didn’t. He let her cry. And perhaps it was a hidden act of kindness, just letting her feel and cope instead of calming her. But maybe, and the more likely option, was that he didn’t believe she deserved the comfort. He wouldn’t have been wrong.

She curled into herself, pulling her knees to her chest and crying into her arms. She knew she’d have to pass one hell of a psych eval after that incident, and that she’d probably gone undetected for far too long. However, Kaidan being alive wouldn’t make the problem _really_ go away.

Something rested against her, but she had to suspect it wasn’t Kaidan. She opened her tear-coated eyes and looked up as the dog rested his head against her leg. It was a small gesture, but enough to make her break a smile. She turned to Kaidan, who had also smiled.

“Good job, boy,” Kaidan said, keeping his voice low.

Shepard held out a hand and the dog sniffed it for a moment and let her pet the top of his head. The dog happily dropped his jaw and let his tongue hang out. He looked back to Kaidan, who allowed him to stay close to someone else for a change.

“I don’t know what to say,” she said, her voice a low, tear soaked whisper. She couldn’t manage anything other than more tears.

Kaidan swallowed. “I know.”

“It’s not like we’ve just been apart all this time, and we finally get to see each other again. I… I thought you were dead. I mourned you all this time, every single day, wishing that everything was different. And that I was the one who killed you,” she breathed, voice wavering back and forth from tears.

“You didn’t.”

“Of course I did! I was the one who left you behind. There was only one person responsible for that, and it was me.”

She’d had this conversation before, maybe in a dream, or in a sleeping pill induced hallucination one night. She’d told him all of this, but this time, it was going somewhere. It wasn’t just broken cries to the air. Someone was listening.

“Shepard…”

She felt more tears well in her eyes and her throat burned again. “I loved you. I loved you so much and I left you behind. I spent so long letting your death destroy me, and now to see you here… I guess I’m not the one who deserves any sympathy.”

Kaidan broke a little smile. “Quite honestly, Shepard, neither do I. Well, maybe I do, but I don’t want it.”

She wiped her eyes. “I did this. I did all of this to you. I can’t even think about how much you suffered because of me. What kind of monster does this to someone they love?”

His breathing grew heavier. She knew she’d made a mistake. He probably didn’t want to remember the months of pain in the hospital, skin graft after skin graft, waiting for burns to heal over and learning basically everything over again. He didn’t need to be reminded that his life had once been normal.

“Not a monster,” he said, quietly, “just someone who gets the job done.”

Kaidan hesitated a moment, and reached a hand out, feeling for the bed before rising from the chair and moving beside her. She helped him, guiding him to where he could sit. The dog followed and hovered just below his feet. 

“Shepard,” he said again, “it’s not your fault. And you’re just as hurt as I am. Nobody told you I was alive. You went all this time believing I was dead, and no one bothered to let you know that I wasn’t. You could have stopped hurting like that a long time ago if someone had bothered to slip a message your way. I would have, but… it’s hard.”

She looked up at him, at his scarred skin, blank eyes, but so much was the same. He still did his hair almost the same way, granted less gelled now. Strands of gray peppered his dark hair and despite everything, he’d aged handsomely. She could still see the man she loved through all of it.

“I missed you,” she breathed.

“I missed you too,” he said. He slid a hand over to her leg and found her hand. She wrapped her fingers around his and leaned in closer. “I woke up and heard you were dead, Shepard. I mourned too. All of this has hurt us both, but… right now, nothing feels quite as bad. You’re here.”

She nodded. “And so are you.”

Kaidan pulled his legs onto the bed as well, and allowed her to crawl into his lap. She did so, and wrapped her arms around him. She rested her head against his chest, and was surprised to hear a heartbeat. She’d fallen asleep listening to his heartbeat in his chest plenty of times, and had used it to guide her to sleep. They were safe, and he wasn’t going anywhere, she used to think. But it felt true more than ever now.

He slid his arms around her as she let a new batch of tears pour down her cheeks. She gripped the fabric of his shirt and breathed him in. He smelled the same, and everything felt like it did years ago. 

“God,” he gasped. “I never thought I’d get to hold you again.”

Shepard held him tighter. “Me either.”

His hand came up to the back of her head and he smoothed his fingers through her wavy red hair. She hadn’t been this terrified in a long time, thinking this would all slip through her fingers again. She couldn’t shake the feeling that she’d lose him again.

He took her hand and held it against his chest. “Breathe, okay?

She tried, and more tears just came. 

“This is all real,” he said, “all of it. You’re not imagining it. It’s going to be okay.

“Don’t go,” she choked out.

She didn’t know what he’d say to that. She didn’t know if he still loved her the way she loved him, and if he didn’t, she wouldn’t blame him. But instead, he held her tighter, and nodded. 

“As long as you don’t either,” he replied.

“I won’t.”

“Good.”

Kaidan looked down at her and pressed a kiss to her forehead. Her heart felt calm and at peace for the first time in a long time. They were different, a little damaged and changed, but maybe there’d be a second chance for them. Maybe she’d have more to fight for than she thought she did.

“I’m sorry I never came to see you,” she said.

“You had no idea I was alive. I’m just… sorry I never reached out to you. They wanted to keep a lot of it under wraps. You know? I mean, I was out for months, and when I came to, you were dead. Next we heard-.”

She swallowed. “I was with Cerberus. They probably thought if I knew, I’d try to hurt you or something.”

He nodded. “I think that was the theory.”

“It would have given me something to fight for. To know I could come back to you.”

“Well, you did, didn’t you?”

She rested her head against his chest again and nodded. “From now on, I’ll always come back to you.”

“Now,” Kaidan said, “there’s someone you should meet.”

He leaned down and felt around for the vest around the dog’s body and the dog helped him off the bed and onto the ground. He nodded for Shepard to join him on the ground, and she slowly did. The dog happily sat in front of Kaidan, and looked up for instruction.

“Shepard, meet Shep, my-.”

“Shep?” she asked.

He nodded. “Yeah, uh… well, he got certified as a service dog after your death, so they named him in your honor. This is a little awkward. I think we should be okay as long as I don’t call you Shep, though.”

Shepard smiled. “Okay.”

“Say hi, buddy. This is Shepard.”

“I can pet him?”

Kaidan nodded. “Yeah. He _is_ a service dog, but it’s okay as long as he’s not helping me get around. They’ve given him therapy dog training too, so he’s also here for comfort. Which was why he went right to you when you were upset.”

Shepard reached out her hand and ruffled her fingers through the dog’s fur. Shep happily let her and laid on the ground. 

“He’s a good boy. We have fun together. I do however, have to have someone come clean my apartment regularly because this one sheds like a beast and well, I can’t see the hair. Maybe it’s a good thing.”

Shepard smiled. “He’s sweet.”

“Yeah, he’s a lifesaver.”

Shep happily rolled over for Kaidan and requested a belly rub. He reached out a paw and rested it on Kaidan’s leg. He sighed. 

“Dude, really? Fine.”

There was a pause between them. Kaidan swallowed and reached for her hand again. She took it and moved closer to him.

“Shepard, there’s a lot we have to talk about, a lot to work through, but I think there’s a second chance for us here.”

She looked up. “I’d hope so. I’ve got missions, though. Rescuing a Turian primarch.”

He gave a tiny smile. “Of course, the galaxy hasn’t stopped falling to pieces just because we got to see each other again.”

“It feels like it has.”

“You’ll come see me again?”

She nodded. “I’d like that.”

“I have an apartment near the Presidium. Just… uh, let me know. And be safe out there,” he said.

“I will.”

He leaned forward, and she cupped his cheek, guiding him to her body. His lips rested on her forehead and she held him close. Whether or not they could rekindle their relationship, she didn’t know. But she did know that part of her felt better, safer, knowing he was alive. She brushed her hand along his cheek and helped him to his feet. Before she could leave, he pulled her into a tight hug one more time.

She smiled and rested her head against his chest. Again, she found herself happier than ever to hear a heartbeat.

 


End file.
